never wanted to, can't help it
you know how you don't know how stressed you are until someone says relax. that's how i felt yesterday, it was late in the day. the sun was shining and it actually felt like spring, a blue sky, a few clouds, still cold, but my whole body wasn't tensed up, and i wasn't cursing the icy wind coming off the river. i had been holed up all weekend. if you asked me what i had been doing i wouldn't know what to say. i made some songs that didn't quite work at the end of the week, and i guess it discouraged me. john's got new furniture for me tonight so we may hammer some stuff out. i got cable and the internet, and after supercoring it and hitting the internet garage with all it's CRAZY people and unamused attendants, i was happy to read articles all day on my bed, research this or that with no real purpose. colbert report makes me laugh and daily show's kinda new and weird. i feel like i haven't seen it since the election. and i'm watching south park for the first time. i only know like the first two seasons, all the new stuff is am amazingly on the money pretty much every time. i really do think they have the most consistent cartoon on tv today. and i like that they're overtly political, actually lecturing you with a pointed finger at the end of the show. whereas the simpsons it's all sweetly veiled and more about the jokes. i had a four hour conversation last night. one of those things where you don't end it cuz you're afraid of never being able to have it again. but i never ran out of things to say, i suddenly had a response to everything, there was nothing disdainful about my attitude, i wasn't bitter or stressed or worried, i was basking in the glow of my laptop, smiling, happy. maybe not totally because there's, among other obstacles, an entire country, a desert and an 8ft high wall between us. but my heart moved, it really did. it beated light for once when it hasn't forever. i guess i didn't know if i worked anymore. if maybe i was an empty robot. but nope, i'm alive and well with a beating heart. i may not have everything i want but i definitely have more than i deserve. and last night was nice. it's not going anywhere, but it was nice to feel like it, if only for few hours. i gotta go shower and head to class. only two more classes and then i start up level four with an old professor of mine. my graduation show is coming up, you're all welcome to attend. i'll let you know when it is as soon as i do. i know everyone hates monday but i look at it like another crack at it. another chance.